It is three years and one week later since my last entry. A lot have changed since my last entry.

In that time, I have moved on with life in many different ways. I have learned that no matter what, you nor the people you love are invincible and can be subjected to the wretched finding from Pandora's Box. I have accepted that some things are just not meant to be as planned. People who you swore will be by your side, no longer are. Life can grab you and shake you so hard you feel like the wind is permanently knocked out of you. But all you can do is fight. Fight and have hope. Be grateful for what you have and who is in your life. Understand that people that you once thought were lost can still return. That having hope is the only thing that is going to get you through each day, no matter how tough it gets. And that if you have a feeling that you can't shake, and your mind is telling you to back away, take that risk because you never know if that risk will lead you to where you were almost meant to be.

Here I am, all grown up...again. Amazing how I started college under the impression that I am so much older and I know so much about the world, and now that I look back I only laugh because I was so naive. I still am, because of course a few years from now I will probably be repeating myself, but I would've been floored to know what I know now. In the past few years, I have strived for my dream and have become a Full-Time Social Worker and I am happily back with the person I was always supposed to be with...Bobby and our little pet bunny, Angel. I have lost a lot of friends in the past few years, but I have also gained the ones that matter more than anything else.

Most dreadfully, Mom has been sick for quite some time now. The family is trying their best to hold it together. We just need to constantly have hope and pray for the best.

Now why am I starting up with Livejournal again? I'm honestly not quite sure why. With so much changes happening, such as Dianna moving away. Everyone from Rutgers separating and not being able to talk and interact as frequently as we used to, I guess this is my way of reaching out. To keep people informed of what's going on. I also guess this is also for me. To try to formulate emotions and thoughts into written words again. It's a part of me that I have lost for quite some time now, but I want to fight and get them back.

This entry seemed a lot more epic with greater words in my head.

So here I am, at work. Bored! so many things have been going on. I got my first real ticket the other day. Yeah, I was upset about it, especially cause it was cause I made an "improper U-turn". I used someone's driveway to make a U-turn. Everyone and the friggin mom does it, so the one time i do it, i get in trouble. that is total bull shit man. but whatever moving on.

it's gonna be a lonely few days to come because fawn is away on her road trip. yeah, it's gonna be boring and yinan has finals to study for so i'm gonna be just here. i'll probably make a visit to carol and some point, but who knows. we successfully moved most stuff over. we forgot some stuff along the way, but it's okay it wasn't really anything important. just foil and such. jake came down to help us move and it was really nice of him. fawn and i just stared at him the other day because he just kept picking up stuff and going. he was amazing...he also like completely unloaded three cars on his own and brought it upstairs to carol's. he made us feel worthless. he was really sweet for doing all that. and he was really good about trying to make me feel better about the ticket.

i'm tired...maybe i'll take a nap or something after work. ::srhugg::

So yeah...I've been on this huge getting new clothes kick. Yeah I need to stop because it's so bad. It's to the point where my life has become one of those cartoons when the person opens their wallet and the little flys come out of them. Yeah, but I don't know...I'm trying to reinvent my wardrobe. Yeah I know, kinda ridiculous. I'm also trying desparately to lose weight cause yeah it's just sad how much weight I have gained. Hence, me switching to diet sonda ::cringes::.

Onto more interesting things, I officially have my car, yay! And I've been driving like everywhere lately, which is nice. Except for the part that there is no AC, but I'll deal. Hopefully I'll get to sweat out some of the fattyness in me. Who knows. But yeah, so that is that.

Friday night Dianna and Amanda came up for a visit and it was nice. They started me on my journey to different clothes actually, but anyways. It was nice to just drive around and reminice and talk. God Amanda has grown up so much, which scary. Makes me feel old. But Dianna and I have scheduled a must get together for tomorrow. We are supposed to have a Retro day. Yeah...it'll be definitely interesting to say the least.

And that is all...

So tonight was an odd night. I found myself trying to find a song that would just hit the spot and just send me in a whirlwind of thoughts. But I don't quite know if I found it or not. Fawn and I started playing this game where we both blast music, one at a time to see each other's reaction. More so songs from back in the days that brought back memories. and I have to say, I sat around half the time just surprised with songs I was hearing left and right. But it was nice.

i think i just have some emotions that i need to sort out right now. and there are developments that i just need to come to terms with. when and how that will happen is beyond me, but i don't know. i'm just here...waiting for something. something to tell me what to do. more so something with some type of answer.

The concept that half of the summer has already gone by is quite depressing, but relieving at the same time. Is it sad that after dealing with the job I'm in, I'm actually enjoying the thought of just sitting in the auditorium listening to a lecture. For some reason, right now it sounds kind of relaxing.

So, Fawn and I have begun the process of moving things into Carol's apartment. It all began wonderfully with Carol's parents inviting us over for 4th of July barbeque. Might I say, the food was awesome. So, that day we bought some stuff over, ate, sat a long while in our apartment and just talked and took in the future. So much is going to be different. If you think about it, half of our group is moving off campus and that is definitely kind of sad. Furniture placement has been set, we just need to get the main furniture in there, and pray for the best that they do fit like we hope to. who would've thought that we would be doing this a year ago.

Time isnt moving fast, in some ways I just wonder if we are the ones that pushes time forward. I mean think about it...we control how fast we think time is going. We keep busy to make time go faster, we do nothing when we want time to slow down, and we take naps for hours and days to pass. What if we're just rushing to get to the future? Are we rushing to get to our finest moment so we can live in glory and take it all in? but how long will it last? And what will we do when it ends? So many questions.

Things are just kind of hectic lately, and I've just been doing a lot of thinking in regards of life, happiness, and such. But what's the point in thinking, when all we can do is hope for the best, right?

Well well well, since Dan put up an update on his life and everyone else followed not too long after that, hell why not I.

Well, because there isn't anything to really talk about. I go to work, I come back to the apartment, go to the pool, shower, make dinner, eat, dilly dally, then sleep. yes that is my summer.

yup...and now that i'm at the dilly dallying for the part of the day, now i will go brush my teeth and jump to bed. bah

Edit: no my life has not been bland, but that is the main gist of things. i have reunited with some friends from the past, i had a freak out session cause i thought i lost my drivers license, my uncle had a heart attack (he'll be okay thank god), i got to see the rutgers crew recently, and etc. so yeah...bah humbag

Meh..working is getting hectic. A lot more running around and a lot more individual assignments. Groups are starting to come in and it's gonna be a crazy two weeks. But it'll be good after it's all over.

And for some extremely weird reason I am listening to that Dixie Chicks CD i bought in 8th grade. sure brings back a lot of memories. Memories of singing this CD with Christina and Jane in Christina's mom's van. LoL...and of course it brings back memories of Matt. I'll never forget that one time walk to French and Matt got all in my face and sang "Wide Open Spaces". Yeah it was weird, but funny now that I look back at it.

So Fawn and I started the gym thing again which is good. We haven't really gotten a chance to go this week because it's been hectic and this rain just makes us not want to do anything at all. Meh...what can ya do? I've been doing sit-ups on my own so i'm trying to stay in shape, along with drinking a lot of water.

I think something interesting is gonna happen in the next few days, but I don't want to say cause I don't want to jinx my chances, but we'll see. But on another odd note, I'm supposed to see Josh and Wayne tomorrow night, yes and that includes Marissa. Gonna be an interesting night I must say. Yeah...we'll see. Hahha...."There's Your Trouble" just came on!!

So let me tell you how pissed off I was last night and hwo much of a tantrum I was throwing. Alright, I have been watching Baywatch on Spike TV for the past few months because well it's Baywatch...the old school stuff. So yeah...this entire time I've been waiting for one of my favorites episodes. The one where Hobie meets that girl that is part of Make-A-Wish foundation. Yeah so sad. So I was all excited cause last night i figured i could look up what episode was on tonight and locate how far along the seasons they are and how close i am to my episode. Well I got all fucking excited cause it was like perfect timing, it was going to be on tonight. I was so happy. So I checked the TV guide...and do u knwo what i find out. Out of all the fucking episodes of Baywatch the decide to skip...they decide to skip the ONE I want to watch. Fuckers! And I mean it's not even like they're skipping around. No they are going in perfect order, but they just decided to be bitches and skip this one. How much does that fucking suck?!?! I am so pissed. Grrr!!!

On a lighter note I have been hitting the gym again. I've been there swimming the past few days and it's nice. It's nice to know I'm being active. So yeah! It's good stuff for the most part. Except for that Baywatch shit. Damn it I can't even talk anymore.

So yeah it's been awhile. But life is good! It's been a long time, but I have that feeling of calmness again and it's beautiful. I can't quite complain about life. Except that I want a car, and if anyone is willing to give me a good deal on a car, that would be awesome. Yup. But life has been good.

Fawn and I are moved into Silvers all settled in finally. The place was a mess at first, but we made it work so that's good. I have to say, it's wonderful to have my very own room that's not like the size of a closet space. Classes are over and it's great cause I got a 3.25 for the semester. Yes that made me feel like working harder was worth it. Something I haven't felt since high school. And dun dun dun...heck yeah and yay I got into the School of Social Work. I went home last week for the weekend last week and all is good again. It's nice. Now like I said if I can get my hands on an awesome car, things would be better, but I can deal until then. We saw Carol last week which is awesome. We saw the new apartment that we will be moving into. It's definitely really nice. The kitchen is huge which is what everyone knows I care abuot the most.

I start work in the morning so that will also be good. It'll let me earn some money which I very desparately need right now. MMaybe if i'm lucky a money storm will hit my room and i'll walk in one day with tons of hundren dollar bills all over my furniture. no? yeah i didn't think so. darn...

But so long world...i must be off and doing something else. I think I'm gonna take on writing again this summer. So be warned people...if I start ranting and raving about random story topics...please just ignore me

Can I just say I love my friends so much? so, I thought we were all generally meeting up for dinner tonight for the last hoorah for the year, but it turns out it was for my birthday. Yay. It was awesome! We went to dinner, and there was balloons, and there was a cake, and cards. Yay! It was awesome! I never really had a surprise birthday party except for when I was 8 and Shirley made pretty streamers for me and it was just the cousins and us. Or when Jane, christina, and angela made believe they forgot my birthday and surprised me at Washington DC with cupcakes and it sucked cause I saw through all of them. However, this one nope! Not a thing! It was really nice to be surprised for once. We went to Crown Palace to eat and it was just fun stuff. I'm happy!

Happy enough to actually study! Yay for me!

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

Yeah so here I am all sick and shit! My nose is congested, I have a sore throat, i have pink eyes...yes EYES! Fuck this sucks. So, I went to the doctor's today to get some stuff checked out. And while I was there the doctor was checking my breathing and she said things didn't sound right. So, she continued to have me breathe in and out. And low and behold my mild asthma has escalated to normal asthma. She said my allergies are doing a huge number on my lungs, so I am now instructed to use an inhaler everyday. Yay for me! Like I don't have other things I need to worry about. Now buying an inhaler is going to be a wonderful other expense. Like I haven't paid enough for all the other medication I have been living with. By the way...thank you fawn for being my hero yesterday and going to walmart and buying me tissues, claritan and vapor rub. She's my hero! = )

So yeah...here I am sick and staring at the inhaler. Watch I'm gonna become one of those old ladies that need to carry an oxygen tank with her everywhere. Just great..I can picture it now. Meh..at least I'll have another weapon to use against people when they piss me off.

Now I was trying to figure out a way to procrasinate from studying for finals, which is scary that in a week I will be out of Nichols. It's kind of sad. But I haven't even started packing yet. Not even close, which kinda sucks, but oh well. I should start packing. However, anyways...I was hoping to find something online to help me procrasinate for awhile. And it's sad but the internet just isn't as entertaining as it used to be. Yeah I open IE like every 5 minutes just for the hell of it, and then realize I've checked everything 5 minutes ago, but yeah. It's just what the hell did I used to sit on the internet for? I would be on there for hours looking at websites and be like yay. What happened to those days. It's weird. Meh..I'm actually disappointed. I'm guessing that means I should study for my finals. Well, 3 more to go: Social Psych, Cognition, and Quantitative Methods for Psych. What fun? Meh...someone please just slit my wrist and put me out of this misery.

i'm sitting here at my desk and it's weird. cause i think i smell bleach but i don't remember anything with bleach being used in the apartment. and weird thing is i can't smell anything else cause my nose is still stuffed up. i think it might be all in my head. good bye world. good bye...while i fly so high from the scent of bleach.

one tree hill....please stay with me!!!

So the stress level is finally starting to decrease. I cannot stress how many times I've thought thank god it's almost all over. A lot of things are still unsure though. Even our living arrangements for next year has become someone questionable, being that we were given a great offer by Carol's parents. I really want it to work, but at the same time it is a scary thought. Kinda actually being on our own is kinda weird. The campus itself has just become such a comfort bubble i'm honestly not sure if i really want to leave it, but at the same time I want to cause then i'll feel like i'm making something of myself. It means I'm growing up. whatever...it doesn't really make any sense.

:::sigh::: i just need to still also finish my schedule for next semester and my papers coming up. I don't really know whether or not i'm doing okay on it. i'm not really sure where i'm going with it. i know my points and stuff, but just not sure if the way i'm writing it is making it flow. whatever. i'm gonna go read it over.

Well here I am. :::sigh::: I haven't been in the best of moods lately. A lot of that is because I just feel like things are crashing down. All of those little shadows of annoyance that sends me to hysteria is just emerging. Most of this stuff that has been going on I know, but it's just sinking in. I miss my sister. I thought I could always block it out and try to forget about, but I can't cause my brain just doesn't work that way. this all crashed down when on saturday's crazy night, which i'll get into later, and fawn played "Somewhere Out There" and started singing and I was on the futon crying. Shirley and I used to sing that song all the time, and not too long ago like last month she made that my ring tone. That was our and i miss her. i just want things to go back to the way they were. also, after hearing about carol getting into the school of social work, and i still haven't heard anything yet has kinda put me on this bummish mood like my life is over. trust me...i know i can only wait for my letter to come, but it's just not coming soon enough. cause in my gut i know and people can say no that's not true and that i'll get in, but i know in my gut that based on the grades from the past, i would not get in. that's just the way it is. so i'm just trying to do my best and relax and try to think of things in the best light possible, but that is doubtful.

well the past few days have been interesting. saturday at lunch chris, michael, katie, fawn, and i were just talking and somehow it evolved into us planning to drink up that night. i don't know...it just happened. well it was more of katie, fawn, and michael planning it and mentioned it and chris and i were like okay. so yeah. katie came over with really cheap vodka that she stole and we grabbed a few fruit mix stuff. little did we know, drinks were never made. it just led to a whole fucking bunches of shots. then we ran out and called up james and he hooked us up. it was good. katie had about 20, michael had 12, fawn had 7-8ish, chris had 4-5 and i had 10 shots. after that katie and fawn got a bit sick. michael was whoozy and chris was good. and i don't know why, but i was perfectly fine. i didn't feel a thing, which was really really weird, but whatever. at least that allowed me to help take care of people. but it was fun for the most part, there was singing, interesting conversations, and in a long time we were all just human. it was fun...and i don't think i would've changed anything about it.

it's weird though...even though so much is going on and i'm stressed as hell, i mean my fucking eye has been twitching for the past 6 days, but i don't care. at least i don't want to. the only thing that has been keeping me sane is having that 2 minutes at night just laying in bed underneath the covers and watching shadow figures moving around. amazing how shadows can be good and bad. maybe that's cause it never leaves you the fuck alone. but anyways, it's like that until yinan usually breaks that silence, but it's just nice. maybe i'll go out after class tomorrow and do some stuff on my own. maybe i'll just go rollerblading, to free up some things.

It's absolutely beautiful out. It's supposed to rain like nobody's buisness today, and the clouds are rolling in, but despite it, it's beautiful. The weather is warm, the breeze is nice, and I can smell the rain moving in. It's absolutely great. And it's great that the weather is going to be like this for awhile.

Which boils down to capri's are going to be coming out. My problem, I'm a fatty fatty and don't fit them anymore. So, after finally coming to my senses that I really need to drop a few pounds I made a program called "Operation Fit Into your Old Clothes, You Fatty!". Not to mention, later on that night I went grocvery shopping and bought tons of vegetables, fruit, and multi-grain cereal. Next visitation, I need to drop it down to skim milk and wheat bread as well. Orders from James. And I need to start doing the walking and swimming thing. It shouldn't be too much a problem I hope, I used to be really fit. Hopefully I can drop back down to that.

Is it bad that I have absolutely no motivation to do any studying. It's bad because I have a Cognition exam on Monday. I'm kicking myself cause I'm just starting to study today. So hopefully, it will work out. I don't know. Sorry Fawn, for some reason I don't think I'll be getting that rewview sheet done. It's gonna be a lot of studying in the car today since I have to go to my cousin's banquet. Also, hopefully after this entry I'll find the motivation to work on it. I don't know, I just want to sit around and do nothing. Just kinda take in the nice weather. I missed this nice weather a lot. I register for classes this week. And htis is the schedule I'm thinking if I get into the school of social work.

Personality Psychology - Mondays and Thursdays @ 8:40 - 10:00 on Livingston
Infant and Child Development - Mondays and Thursdays @ 10:20-11:40 on Livingston
Sensation and Perception - Tuesdays and Fridays @ 10:20 - 11:40 on Livingston
Field Work (Clinical) - Tuesdays @ 3:20 - 4:40 on Livingston
Social Wel. Pol. And Service 1 - Wednesdays @ 10:20-1:20 on Livingston
Infant and Child Development Lab - Thursdays @ 3:20 - 6:20 on Livingston

I don't know how I feel about it yet.

Winds picking up, seems like it's going to pour soon. Gonna go watch to find some serenity.

So, with time I will be okay, but I'm not. Not yet. I mean, things are okay for the most part, I guess it's just unresolved things. I'm doing a lot better this semester school wise so that's uplifting. I started building my schedule for next semester which does not seem fun at all. It's actually kind of how sad it's gonna be.

so we've been doing some adventures lately. friday night john, fawn, michael, and i went down to marlboro to look at huge houses, yeah cause we're cool. and we found this one huge ass house that has an observatory. it's just like whoa. and fawn and john and i went to starbucks today to just study. i was surprised with the amount of reading i got. it was actually very nice. then we went to eat and came back to the apartment.

but i don't know lately it just feels like there is something i want to do and i'm not doing it. not quite sure what...but i don't know. and i'm also starting to get tired of my songs again. i just need to find something a bit more uplifting. i want something where the chords just hit me so hard that shivers run down my spine and words that take me away. yeah i know...i say that a lot. whatever. i started writing again, but i don't know it's just not the same. i'm not feeling it. i mean i am, but i guess i don't know the reinforcement isn't there. bah...

So here I am back at Rutgers, earlier than I expected. For the most part it was awesome, but I just had to come back to rutgers last night. just thought it would be for the best.

so yeah, i wanted to talk to someone, but i just didn't know who to call. cause u know how when you're in a certain mood you want to talk to certain people. well right now i'm not even quite sure what type of person i'm looking to speak to. i mean carol called and it helped, but i don't know. :::sigh::: things just feel out of place right now.

feel free to call and give it a shot to see if u're the type of person to put me in a better mood 908-489-4924

i need to push my self to start getting in shape. i am really ashamed that i let it get as far as it has. and i really need to push my stuff from now on. also...

i miss the simplicity. i miss swinging on swings without having to worry about anything. and i miss swinging on swings and talking about problems and the past and realizing i'm not alone. i'm not saying i don't have that now. but i just miss the swings. cause now there is only the wind that carries its' flight.

Does this darkness have a name?
This cruelty, this hatred, how did it find us?
Did it steal into our lives, or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us?
That we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war...
Hoping for their safe return...
But knowing that some will be lost along the way.
When did we lose our way?
Consumed by the shadows,
swallowed whole by the darkness.

Does this darkness have a name?

Is it your name?


Yeah...it was just something I wanted to put on there. Dark, but so true. What has sent our society to be what it is? I don't know, but it seems that it will never stop.

I made a few talked to quite a few people today...people that mean the absolute world to me and words cannot explain how much I miss them. I first called Matt to check up on him, and it's always pleasant just to hear his voice. Even though he still does that retarded thing when he picks up the phone he knows it's me and still asks who it is and tells me to hold on as if it's not him that picked up his phone. But that's Matt. He's moving to Kansas City, and there is word as to him possible coming up to visit, which would be amazing. I miss him so much. He's one of those few guy friends I sit there and at the end of the conversation that always ends with I miss you and I love you. And it's good to hear that again.

Then I talked to Kim, D Russ, and Bobby today. Kim and I made plans to see each other over break to celebrate her 21st. It'll be fun. We'll probably just do a lot of the same ole stuff that we used to do and just have a lot of fun, which is something I am absolutely looking forward to. D Russ is good, hopefully I'll see him soon. He was one of the few people in this world that actually made me feel like I was smart. He was one of the few people that always told me that I was an amazing writer (side note: i finished my personal statement for school of social work and yinan and fawn read it and they said it was good and i just hope they're right) and I kind of miss that. And Bobby well is Bobby. He thought I was going to go home this weekend and was puzzled as to why I didn't stop by. And it was nice to know that it's only been a couple of weeks since we last saw each other and he did miss me. He also made it clear that he genuinely missed me as a friend, which is nice.

God, I just miss everyone so much. I love it here at Rutgers with our random own version of hot potato and 7 up this weekend, but it'll just never be the same. i miss my friends at home or well i knew from home but are now in other places. i sometimes wish i could go back and actually cherish the time i had with them cause i miss it so much and would give the world to have those moments back.

so yeah, here i am at work. Yeah, haven't really updated from work in awhile. But here I am. So yeah, everything has been crazy with exams lately, but it's been pretty spread out which is good. I've been working on my School of Social Work application. So, weird to think I'm applying to Grad school. Just weirdness man. I got my Groups at Risk assignment today, which isn't going to be too bad. And then I need to think about registering for classes, which will be weird cause it just seems like yesterday I was registering for this semester. This semester has just gone by way too quickly.

And One Tree Hill last night. What the fuck was that? How can they just end it like that and not give me another episode next week? ::cries::: I don't know...it was just craziness and I'm just still in shock.